ImOnMyHandsFree

as in some gem of a so-white-its-blue haired woman was in a chanel trench im sure of it looking thru a newspaper stand reading the headline and story thru the dirty plexi. not buying the paper. i wanted her to turn around and growl at me "its called recession reading, heard of it?" but she fucking smiled at me and blew it.

three banana peels under one bus stop bench in midtown and i wondered if one person ate all three bananas or if three individuals had one banana at the same stop same bench same ripe on the peel. food for thoughtz.

becka diamond was in fabulous form last night at the soho grand on top of couches and in shades wearing black gloves to the elbow at the ryan korban hosted by my designer crush wang and some models. so many new girl crushes.

moms coming to new york this weekend. 'course after i bus down to dc tonight and ride back up with her in the morning so that she doesn't get bored or lost on her way.

all i want for christmas is whistlin' kitty chasers for ramsay.

there is no spec caramel reisin for this morgan polaroid in this entry except that i want to do a handstand and have her hold my ankles so that i can extend blood rushing time zones.

im back from my summer jaunt sabbatical out in the east wilds. dont love just hate my journal.

and just in case you needed to know what founding father you would have been but you never will be because there's nothing left to find:
http://www.constitutioncenter.org/FoundersQuiz/
thanks for that contribution aaron. really interested.

saw an oldie hawn skirting 3 natty lights cross the checkout at morton williams. just saying. drink it or leave it.

so broke. need dinner and maybe a glass. ashley said the ultimate solution is to show your boobs. im not buying it. or dinner or a glass. so we prolly needa show her boobs. boobs for booze cruise. get on the ship or jump off with your boobs flying out so you dont drown and you get free dinner and a glass.

in my purse are the following items:

-a dinosaur jelly ring that lights up kind of

-a blue irredescent h&m bikini top

-shoe laces

-deodorant that has an "omg!" sticker

-5 bright yellow friendship bracelets

-3 bright green friendship bracelets

-a ripped-up check

-an anklet with a blue heart peace sign and rhinestones

-zyrtec

-6 identical blank delaware postcards

-wallet

-make-up bag

-2 splenda packets

-sunglasses that aren't mine

-really expensive hair serum

-a sandy box of orbitz

-4 metro cards

-too many pieces of alleged important papers with filthy sort folded corners

-an unopened wedding invitation

-a conde id card

-a tangled phone charger

secret's out when you're wearing a choker and i can see the choker chain dangler in the back, dangling from your neck part. its like wearing a shirt with a built-on vest that doesn't continue in the back. we know.

amazing comedy show at sound fix last night where the comedian wrote a script with a better and alternate version to brokeback mountain. some choice phrases he used in the lamen's mix of butt sex mentions were "quickening wheat" and "cowhand's meal". i looked back at billy who often had tears streaming down his cheekpieces.

saw coraline with a boatload the other day and at the end, this slinky black cat is chilling on the horizontal part of a post out front of the house, and all the sudden, when it walks the plank past the vertical part of the post, it dissappears, well, it doesnt reappear as it is expected to on the other side. maybe magic, maybe scrunched up like no one has seen a cat do, but the girl behind us says, "what's that supposed to mean? they trying to tell us there's gonna be a sequel??" we laughed so hard at this i think that someone else not laughing peed their pants. its not like its an actual movie were people would await a sequel anyway [this is not why i was laughing but still], ya know, not really a real movie. it sounded like a 50 year old southern woman who'd been smoking for 60 years, since she was neg 10, but turns out it was some pre teen with a thick maryland accent. sure, had to be there. ill quit and cat forget it.

my mom took an email class at the library, so, they set her up on hotmail [thank god for the heavens] and she was all excited and telling me how she learned to copy & paste too, but i kept demanding her password and she wouldn't give. i was urging and reminding who shes never going to actually utilize her account, which she agreed and said that the teacher told her if she didn't use it it would just "go away," which was great advice from a computer teacher on email accounts, but anyway, i finally got her to spill the password beans about 10 mins into my pressing and she said it so flatly and it involved the word "flowers" that i laughed in the receiver so hard and continually that she hung up. this is nothing new, her hanging up addiction, but she still hung up because i was laughing at her password. i felt bad and called her back and she answered and i started laughing again. some sorta sequel ensued.

this lady was soooo pissed at trader joes that they didnt have rice pudding that it made her want to be friends with me in line so she could talk shit about their stock choices, and then so much as offer me to put my basket in her cart [ew sick] but i think she wanted to peep my items [sick] and see if i snagged the last R.P. ulterior motiiiiiiivvvvvveeees.

ram made me sing vocals on rock band to spoonman like SPOOOooonMAAAAAYANNNNNN.


audi tribute .

someone says "serena" nowadays,
obvi you think "vanderwoodsen" and not "williams"

libbs and i are are star-tracking LiLo in DC on sunday. we're checking trash cans for coco pink soiled tissues. like the game clue but for winners.

went to a laundromat off lorimer with carrie and friend to utilrealize the atm, and the man at the window glass had a full show-dvd-case i.e. stacks blaring bindings that were blinging titles and dropping actor names bombs like a hollywood war. a sign read "dvds are not for sale, dvds are not for rental". show off. maybe he just likes to surpirse himself when he picks one blindly on his side. i shouldnt jump.

dear blog, i miss you and others. its been too long and stupid.

i have a zillion fake text drafts of digital notes of digital thoughts for my im-on-my-hands-free-cruise-lifestyle blog.. in retro its hard for me to see how to digitalize/realize what those thoughts were. but, in other digi thoughts,

my mom did call me today and said this one bitch had "a touch of the crazies" and that when boys go to the bathroom at her work they take so long they should clock out/brown out.

in loehmanns i fell asleep standing up looking at and holding the hem of a dress. i slowly pulled it of the right side of the hanger and woke up/realized i fell zzz. it was dumb.
we heard some fish and saw a skate swimming by the lincoln mem at dark night. show offs. mom said to watch out for they tails -- i guess cause theyll cut your mind out with their wow-factor symmetry.
root beer in a banana choc malt at potbelly's is genious. lindsay lohan got pivenized.

let the right one in is the best movie you will visually see. thanks for the tip b. a woman though in front cane-waddled in at the start cane waddled right back out once a character was hung upside down, throat slitten, and getting blood jugged.

an old guy at a wedding i shot saturday told me i "cleaned up well when i lost the leather" reffing the jacket i walked in with. i want to/did punch him in his facement. he snuffled in retardation.

rebekah made guns-n-roses cupcakes.

veep veep

the best thing about fall, so far, is that the bottles of half full propel rolling around on the car floorboards stay cold. so they are on-call swig.

i need to get myself off of the carowinds newsletter. its just not practical.

i have a full binder with pog specific clear sheets that i filed with pogs and a cylindrical case for the slammers. keepin' 'em pris'.

i left some sunglasses at my grandmoms this summer and so for my birthday, my mom packed them in a gift bag with tissue paper along with my other presents, which were free samples of philosphy beauty prods from kipi. jealous.

someone was drinking a dr. browns soda at the morning meeting. i marveled.

smells like cake. BIRTHDAY cake.

avi lined up a soy silk six pack in the fridge with an itunes diddy in the middle. lets just say i was pleased. likely more than.

so i ate a chicken sub last night with bebeque and now i wanna comm-sue. i also stole a diet pepsi from the fridge at manny & olgas. i went up to the cashier to tell him, as i had just fizz swigged the cold godsend, but then just lifted the can up at him and froze. then left. fuck.

so i wish all mighty that there was a fruit stand or something instead 'cause that sub was really just unness. having a fruit plate tonight for bday dinner tho to punish the carb load. wanna lay in a sub roll and sleep. or a banana hammock. sick, the beholder of daddy peelers.

i forsurefire tapped out the audi ezpass east coast touring to cape cod. morgan and i had fun guessing what combo the marquee would provide, sometimes one of the following:

GO
LOW BAL

LOW
BALANCE

LO BAL
GO

PAID
LOW BAL

sooooooooooooooo, we sang "go lo bal go lo bal go!" really fast and times 50 times. we did this all the way up and back, until the final reading said:

TOLL
DUE

what a smack in the face. you know Easy EZ Pass really meant "TOLD YOU!". the phonetics are the same and im no dummy.

mamaia papapia rigatoni fetticuine. italian word jam.

i googled image'd spider bite this a.m. because i suspected something on left thigh but this shit is so nastea that it made me wanna bring up. ive already shared these with a select few and now im spreading the WORLD. be sure to check out terminator thumb.

http://images.google.com/images?q=spider%20bite&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=N&tab=wi

start talking in photo captions,
like:

medical professional using tablet computer

or

male doctor talking to pregnant woman laying in hospital bed

to just name a few, theyre medical heavy as im researching this type of thing presently, but sometimes they are even MORE CRAZY. all so keywordy and stark and righteous that when i sometimes read them i cant even speak.

something more enticing than a yellow bag of peanut m&ms is a sheet of stamps in a translucent and slim wax paper bag. im addicted to and have to use them all at once. best part likely is making the post master choose the "cutest" design they have. im always all "which is the cutest stamp design you have?" and they usually shrug at first and then want me to go to the board across the room and choose, but i have no time for that, and i really want them to be straight up with me. they get all sheepish upon demand and a bit awkward and shifty weighted on their feet but then instantly present the abso cutest design as if they've known their whole life. this time, of recent = disney inspired. they always know. and i know a PERFECT recipient for the mowgli of jungle book stamp. and when i say perfect i mean perfect recipient for the mowgli of jungle book stamp.

i just followed the garbage truck along Q street for far too long, but I do know now that if I worked for one or with one or on one like the gentleman i saw today, i'd defintely be him, the clinger on the back. he has a handle and platform and all, and just cruisies along picking up garbage/babes. i know, so trashy.

so early right now. before posting i trimmed my hair in my bedroom half-eyed and over the mini t-can with these huge kitchen scissors that actually live in the knife block. the mini t-can already was holding some empty sam adams bottles. hairy situation. rebekah's likely going to not approve.

i hate my new livejournal design but i cant get back to my former. i was merely testing with colors [bad move] and upon trying to revert to the oldie hawn i stumbled upon the fact of my ex-template not existing anymore. it must be 2 years old and created by: cherryjubilee33 or: sailor7sexydeck or whoev and they've since dropped of the face.

people love to make out.

while in ocean city, i was obvi putting the class in trash and stumbled upon some signage at it's finest, premiering misspellings such as:

-APPELS
-EXPRESSO
-ELEVETOR

sure everyone spell words wrong x amount of times all the times of the day and it's incredible, but they gen dont pay for them to be produced this way, vinylly.

also, while kayaking off the wash harbor courtesy of jack's kayaks, i paddled past some deflated beat up [likely birthday] balloons tangled on some limbs that were reaching off the riverbank. i got a serious surge of childhood memory: crabbing with my dad, tightly wringing the mud off the rope as i lifted up the pots, [circa corn shucking style], and i'd straight up drop everything if i spotted an abandoned balloon and pleaded with my dad to scoot up the carolina skiffer and grab it. said balloons were always mangled and dirty with river filth and fantastic and i loved the shit out of them.

no matter what time of day or where, i can always pick up the phone and call my mom for my horoscope. im not even talking about going online and retrieving, im talking about a "bay weekly" or "some other newspaper" always handy and near by, folded back with a hollow spine and showcasing the latest news spinning amidst the planets. after she reads it, she'll go, "you wanna hear kipi's? oh shit Lu, listen to meg's. here's ram's, so true. doesn't this sound like blaise?" and i'll basically have to listen to every horoscope on the block, we've got them all covered. and if we don't, she'll pluck any given friend just so she can read scorpio, or "scorp", et cets et cets. to her, to me, sydney omar is the man.

the cab brand, "cab ass'n", obviously and naturally reads to you and me and everyone we know as, cab assassin. not really a cab i want to flag over. maybe once drunk i did, but not sober will i flag this cab.




this was likely the night i got cab assassined.

there is an older man i cherish at work. aside from his unrelenting wit, he signs his emails tabbed over to the right like the orientation of an old-fashioned letter. its incredible.

disclaimer: one can acquire a major case of waffle-ass from the wicker stools on the deck at marvin on 14th & u. [note- he likes it, hey mikey!]

ramsay and my dad went to south carolina to get fireworks. well, ramsay and my dad went to south carolina to play golf and get fireworks. so upon bundling up eight hundred dollars worth of ammo in their arms, whilst being moreland-intoxicated, they step outside of the store and behold a state trooper [que one hand on hip, one last puff of a marlboro, and a one boot squishing the guts outta the butt and making it one with the sidewalk curve] "afternoon gentleman," he tipped his hat at them. at this point i can imagine ramsay dropping a few 'works on the 'walk in a nervous twitch as he and my dad were about to shuttle this said ammo into a maryland tagged car, thus making an illegal transaction all for the love of maggie and zach jumping frivolously up and down on the river bank and clapping at a possibly professionally amazing fire show. though, albeit a surprise, the trooper simply helped them pack the soon-to-be-upon-state-border-crossing illegal goods into the car and asks how far "you boys are going", clearly noticing they may have had a beer or ten. my dad points up the street signaling not so far at all. "well that's good," he trooped. and off they zoomed per red mitsubishi eclipse convertible drop top into summer eve. sparkler donning exhaust and all.

so luckily this all worked out, as ramsay produced a meticulously planned firework show for the crowd of say two hundo scattered about the yard. i mean planned on paper, art directed with a full on itinerary, not shy of resourcing set-up duties and allocating more bodies for placement of upcoming rockets to be burst and timely all the same to ensure flawless transactions, plus construction of a two piece plywood "blast shield" earlier in the day only to be taken victim by an unexpected storm.

beforehand, he had leaned over to jen thibodeau and whispered "jt, you're really going to like the rapid runner."

ian zeering ['s father] sat at a table 'cross the way whilst i ate the best burger in DC at Palena last night. the burger dons sotochenero cheese on top with white truffle oil, with a touch of zippy mayo lightly spread and filling the toasty bun's nooks and grannies [sic]. zeering maybe got one too and his muse seemed a clone of Kelly Kapoor from the Office. they were bitching about their check, well, she was bitching about their check. i thought, that sounds like Kelly, and i looked, and it was Kelly. i almost asked her to shut up and count her ian zeerings.

this man jogged by me on my left thus sandwiching me in between his whirly scent and johnny rockets on M street. he smelled like the plastic rendition of skeletor's castle i.e. musky licorice.

i counted how many times i rolled my ankle walking to work today wearing my old rainbow striped canvas wedges from h&m '05, and it was three times. luckily i have strong tennis ankles = tankles.

on my wonderful walk to work [alliteration intended], I spotted a girl on a bike and when she pedaled by, i noticed her very strong and lovely widow's peak. i instantly figured it probably helped better direct her throughout her bike ride, and maybe even made her faster. i spent the next five minutes really convincing myself that this was true. i'll probably conduct some sort of test as i have a slight widow's peak, and maybe it will help me bike slightly better.

also, george bush is an avid biker and i think he's got a nice peak to him.


sometimes when im driving behind two cars and approach an intersection and one goes left & the other right, almost simultaneously, i feel like mickey in fantasia.

fantasia barino ruined that movie for me.

i was talking to drew about my old juggling kit that i snuck into mom's shopping cart at tj maxx at about age 10 and i described it to him--how it had a netted sack on the guide binding containing three mini bean bags--he instantly sent me a link to the product by Klutz. pretty much saved my day.

below was not a coincidence. i chased that pigeon around until he stood between the tree shadows.

the bacchus wine cellar last eve, [they keep a gewurztraminer cold for me] and much to the tendor's chagrin i was in a day earl. he raised his 'brows [billy, que: eyebrow dog] as if to say "what do you think you are doing walking in here on a wednesday, miss thursday gewurztraminer girl?" i looked at him as if to say, "im like bitch--whatever!". his eyebrows slowed down as if to say, "well, you know where it is." so i walked back there as if i was going to 'where it is', and then i left. im going back today, 'cause ya know, today is thursday.

sike, i bought it. duh.

so if anyone can point me in the direction of a pair of claire's sensitive solutions earrings id be very pleased. my ears are burning sensations and inflammed bc i have the most sensitive everything [including heart] on earth, plus vintage gold blobs i found at value village dont make for a healthy debut. that and better, if someone could find earrings that are little ears of corn id love that. even if they are fake as shit. id let me ears pop that corn.

wanted to write on may day but i ruined it.

happy birthfay yesterday SJ, itsya birthday.

went to dc scout at barneys co-op yesterday to shoot and they gave a free marc jacobs clutch to the lucky raffle winner. i was not so lucky. i did score a bottle of OPI nail polsih of the bubble bath shade with! an exclusive professional wide brush. yea, thats right, you wont find that shit in stores. dont even go peepin' out my toe nails. i can tell when eyes look jealous.

i put a black suit jacket on [i know = so dc] over my pajama tee shirt [white pocketed and ripped to fit] and didnt brush my hair, also wearing a loafer with a toe hole, and slurping down an iced coffee like i was born with it.

did i note that because my of older brothers and eli and jenn and i sneaking beers and chugging them behind american university, indulging in a guilty pleasure of sorts, we missed the biggest guilty pleasure of all time perform in all of her paramore than you would think glory? totes disappointed. but blaise and i lip sang and air guitarred the shit out of j.e.w. headlining and i hardly know how to even play guitar! and i was pretending i was playing one anyway! i know, crazy. i am crazy.

writing notes in list form with a bic on your hand, palm side or back side, and transferring them to paper as they begin to wash off and disintegrate into your skin folics. i truly admire something like that. ive seen it, and i admire it.

and i saw a man with a leg cast, knee to foot, that was kneeling on his good leg and picking weeds out from in between the sidewalk crevises in front of his g-town bungalow, cast leg hitched "to the side like his leg is broken" = dedication.

jackie ionita and i had a cookie throw down a la bobby flay on the food network style on sunday night. i made key lime cookies [later redubbed to key lime fall-aparts] and she made tasty popped-out-of-the-featured-cookie photo-spread-in-food-magazine corn lemon cookies topped with chopped almonds. our Sam judge was pleasant enough to taste both and judge me high on moisture but lets face it, i put the mess in domestic.

i am noting things that are admirable, dedicating, and impressive.

hi i feel abso refreshed. maybe even like new in a new woman kinda way. like when females say, 'i feel like a new woman', i might say that if i ever thought of myself as a woman and not a girl, i might say that at this point. that sentence was miranda-july-esque twisted, but ya' heard.

finally, after much urge and encouragement from my bff bill burk [http://www.wburkert.com] 'Polifolio' [he named it, too] is pretty complete in all of its vast scanning heinous glory. it took me A WHILE to scan and upload all of my polaroid children, but now that the archive is ingested, all the easier to add to it on the light. i hope you all do enjoy and find yourself within the library as im sure you will. some more branches will hopefully come from this tree, literally as in paper as in books or post cards, but those are just pies in the skies right now.

dive in:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/polifolio/sets/

and now! you dont have to wait for a imonmyhandsfree post from me via me to see a neat polaroid of someone i love. you can EAT IT ALL like the ice cream cone.

in other news, i am indulging in many guilty pleasures this week, such as gossip girl last night, and a paramore show this saturday.

bill burk below: